the road with you

with tears in my eyes as i read what you sent me...

i want to drive to there
the place where we find ourselves 

where healing begins 

with the windows down

our hair blowing

becoming perfectly and beautifully messy

where we listen to the road whisper three things

the world blinds you with its beauty

you only write redemption

you always make your way back to good.

i want to write magic and blessings in the sand

to drink in the day by the campfire

to wake up to the promise that today 

the universe gifts us
 with one more day

full of 

light

lessons 

love 
and laughter

sprinkled with fae dust 

and kissed by faeries

go to that place just waiting for our arrival 

to feel like we belong 

and to be a local 

for a day 

or maybe 4

maybe more

i want to go with you

because you know me 

my heart 

my hurts

my triumphs 

my soul

and 

i know you

and yours

ilySM

2014

last year at this very moment, 8:25am
i was getting off a plane that brought me to you.
i was surprised with almost everything from the very first time
that plane brought me to you three years before

being met with flowers
the biggest hug
and most passionate kiss

holding hands till we got to the truck
with the anticipation of the day
not knowing what you had planned
for the 36 short hours that we had
carved out for us

like the gentleman that you are
you opened my door to get me in out of the cold.
you opened your door only to reach in the back
and grab two sippy champagne glasses
along with my favorite oj and champagne

our cups were full
we cheered to us
smiled and hit the road.

as we chatted i noticed we were going
somewhere different.
somewhere familiar.
deep inside i wanted to ask
but trusted and let your plan unravel your way

we made the same exact route as three years before.
coffee in cali, flowers in oregon and flipped a bitch in washington
my heart smiled

we took the 205 over the columbia
you the took 84 east exit
things are starting to look familiar

as we drive to your planned place
we are so happy and cozy
knowing that even though
our time is short
it's going to be amazing.

as youre driving and were sharing
the wonderful fruit tray to nourish
our morning bellies
i notice youre taking me to the same
exact beautiful places you
showed me the very first time

the falls were gorgeous and full
i can never tire of the magnificent
beauty of those falls
the beauty of the road that took us there
the lovliness of the same route and
how patient you are with me needing to
stop snap photos of all lushness of this place
so that i would never forget

as we head back to town
we stop at one of our go to
spots to grab a bite to eat.

you share with me of the plans that
you've made for us to ring in the new year
you have everything covered.
all i have to do is enjoy you and this time
we carved out of our busy lives

my heart is full of love and how much
time you put into this. this amazing time.

it's still early but the food and drink make us
want to go home and snuggle in tight and nap...
it feels so good to be "home"
and cozy
under the covers with you.
we play
we giggle
we tenderly touch
we wear ourselves out
we nap.
we wake up.

t-minus 26 hours till lift off

showered, dressed up and ready to go...
it's 6:45
dinner reservations at 10
we go to our favorite watering hole
say hello to our favorite bartender
have a couple of her famous drinks
try our luck at video poker
take pictures with the champagne "glasses" you bought
laugh and make silly faces and laugh some more.

our seats for dinner were fantastic
we had the perfect view
the coolest server
delicious gourmet food
and the biggest jackass
at the table behind us.
good times.

we return to the clubhouse to countdown to
the promise of so many plans for 2014
it was pure magic.
you planned out and accomplished
the best sleep over we've had in a long time...

day after day....

waking up slow
enjoying the morning with you
packing my bag
with the room being a little dusty
knowing that i was leaving in a few hours
and not knowing when we would lay eyes
on each other again.
my heart was aching leaving you...

at the airport an "i dont want to let go" hug
honking cars
a short kiss and a 'see you soon'

thank you for creating the best new year yet

from that moment forward
i have learned so much about
love and life and knowing myself
more and more each day
about healing from the inside out
about letting go of the painful parts
and haging on to the beauty of the moment


wishing you a wonderful 2015




'

not as before

you flirted with sweet words.
wooing me towards you
though we were so far away.
i had a vision of who you were
with words and actions
though we were so far away.

i believed in you
and
your dreams.
you wanted me to share your dream
and making others believe this dream this too.
i couldnt do it.
it felt pushy and dirty
and like a lie.

i still believed in you.

you pulled me in just enough
to keep me close
you showed me what love was
and what love wasnt.
you showed me how important family is to you.
you gave me some very good memories.
you taught me resentment and defensiveness.
you showed me that "love" is disposable
and that it has a shut off switch.
i dont see it that way.

i see you now
and
youre good
youre just not who i saw before

let's go

this morning my note from the universe said 

Try pretending that all you now believe to be real, is not, Tawnja. And that all you wish to be real, is. If only for a few minutes each day. Then, try acting like all you wish to be real already is real. With just a word here, a sentence there, or some little demonstration. If only in private. Before long, you won't even remember if what you used to believe was real or just a dream. I'm pretending you already do this stuff whenever you want change,     The Universe right now i wish that my car is full of gas my bank card is super full of cash me and my road warrior and adventure sister had more time off than we knew what to do with and could hit the open road. i see seattle boston new york texas as my top four right now. and landing where ever our free spirits felt we needed to be. ahhh to visualize and feel the magic of this moment is priceless.

oh monday...

there are so many errands i need to run
phone calls i need to make 
and chores i need to start or complete
today im just not feeling it

what i would prefer to be doing 
is sitting by the water journaling

so much has been going on lately 
externally and internally 
so much so that i really just want to 
scream, shout,laugh, cry and, 
love through my pen to the pages.  

however, the voice in my head keeps screaming
how can you have any pudding if you dont eat your meat?!!!! 

okay
okay spirit, 
i get it! 

off to make those calls,
run those errands 
maybe finish a few chores
as my patient journal awaits for what my soul craves to release

gratitude

in the waking hours
theres a gentle breeze playing with my curtains
and the daylight dances in and out beconning me to come dance along with her
come out here with me
 if even for a lilttle while
come play with me
and enjoy me
let me embrace you
let me warm your body
and soothe your soul
let me give you what you need this morning
before things get too hectic and you forget
to enjoy the warmth of my love

with gratitude in my heart
i do....
♥

life... living it

yesterday was kind of an up and down day
part focused
part giggles
part tears 

it was filled with feelings
intense feelings
some i embraced 
some i resisted
even in the resistance, i felt them
it was just more painful 

i spent some time with my soul sister 
who grounded me with wisdom
and encouraged me to feel ALL of it 

these are just feelings 
they shape us by how we 
respond to them
they also remind us that we are alive 

our minds are so powerful 
we have the ability to change the 
way we think about things
we can either make it sucky 
or look for the silver lining

this morning in my meditation
i found the silver lining in 
so much of the grief that i have 
caused myself

(30 second dance party)

today is the day :) 
my intentions are set 
life is beautiful 
live the heck out of it! 

i want that relationship so full of love 
that we stick it out
and 
find what makes it work
and
find understanding 
and 
the stuff that lasts forever

love is, by definition, so many things..

a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.

attraction based on sexual desire...

affection and tenderness felt by lovers....

affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interest....

an assurance of affection and love...

a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion....

a beloved person....

an unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another...

concern for others.

i love every single one of these!

no wonder love is so complex and beautiful.

i love tenderness shared between lovers

assurance of affection

strong affection for people you feel ties to, like your tribe, or family, or common interests.

i love that love can mean and feel so many things...

i feel such a strong unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for MANY...

when i love you, its done. there is nothing you can do about it.

i will always love you

and who you are

and who you are becoming and or want to be

and it takes a lot to break that connection for me.

i love that about love and about me :)

so, incase i havent told you lately...

i love you

pieces

this weekend i am making a long trip to gather up pieces of my life
that for some reason hold value to me.
maybe.
maybe its the trip.
maybe its the putting those pieces back in my life
 to feel whole again and maybe to let go of later....
i dont fucking know.
i do know that i have to do this.
its uncomfortable and something that i was very unprepared for.
in my mind, i thought that once the dust settled and the natives
moved on, we would find our place again.
that disagreements would have time to find a place to settle
and that life would become easier and distractions less
that the passion and excitement would build and cause
us to forge into this new found place of just being US
a place to start fresh and find our place in this crazy awesome world.
that's not the case and it may have been inevitable
well it actually was cause i am making that long trip
to gather up the piece to try to put things back together
and still have that life that i imagined....
this time, i am going big
my imagination is bursting with love
and fun
and adventure
and fights
and makeup sex
and quiet days
and chore days
and more love
this time i am putting a big fucking fence around my open, gentle heart.....
 not to keep anyone out
 just to protect it because it is so precious
i miss the love shine bursting out of it and the bliss that goes along with it

my list for the summer....

bon fires on the beach in carmel
hiking to feather falls... and having a sleep over
going to a dress up dinner in a city i have never been to 
watching the texas rangers play in Arlington
watching the sox play in boston
while in boston going to the amazing outdoor book store 
learning to surf
sleeping at the beach.... any beach that will allow me to have a tent and a camp fire
whale watching~ i have never seen whales...
bike riding through gold country tasting all the boutique wines and lovely food
write... be inspired. 
learn something, maybe ten things new every day!
dressing up and going out... just because
tahoe and the outside shows.... let's start with Journey/Steve Miller
virginia city... just to feel like an outlaw (and maybe experience some history)
calaveras frog jumping
dancing real close
skinning dipping at midnight
candle light picnic outside 
cooperstown
giants a's game 
seattle.... just seattle
something unexpected
sunsets..... ALWAYS 
pictures of everything (that my old D50 can capture) 
burning man
lots of concerts.... a7x and alice cooper. yes please. 
and friends to share all of this with. life is so meh without your people. 

oh today.... i love you

i woke up with my fear still in my throat
but closer to my collar bone than last night.
thank you
thank you spirit for showing me
with many signs that
i am enough.
that my light shines not for me but to shine on others so that they may shine brighter.
thank you mother nature for your sweet soft moist soil to cool my tired hot feet.
thank you kind lady on the phone from Verizon who i wanted to HUG so BIG at
the end of our conversation and resolution of my ridiculous problem.... you are a rock star!

today, i love you.
i love you for how you unfolded unlike i expected.
how you showed me love in unexpected places
how you burst out unexplainable amazing fucking love in ways that just baffle me

thank you

i love you... may 22,2014 more than i thought possible yesterday.
you, with all your unexpected people and love and time spent sharing how life is really so amazing..... you are a bad ass.

i love you today
because you are time and a healer and a lover

love letter

this is my love letter to you

i love you  because of all that you taught me about me
 and about my strength and how you believe in me

about how i learned how brightly i shine
and how certain clouds can dim my shimmer

you have clearly taught me about my weaknesses
 and how they make me stronger

i love you because you are real

 and genuine 

and a fucking amazing

 and good man.
i love how smart you are
and how you set goals and achieve them

i love your heart

 even when you dont show it, i can still see it
i love how you look at me
 how you say that i am beautiful
and i know that you mean it
i love your tenderness
and how gentle you touch me
i love your playfulness
and seeing the spark in your eyes when you smile
i love early mornings with you and ending the day with wine and dinner
i love Love LOVE to cook with you
i love listening to your dreams of what we will do when we grow up.
i love that you know my love list..... no one else does

i love your smile

 and how you giggle in your sleep 

and how you wake up singing

i love your precious heart

 and how much you love kids

i love how you love your family

how you love O and C and R and H and S and N

how you have loved your son for so long

 and have been so patient with the time it took 

to develop the relationship that you have today

 i love that it grows stronger with every passing moment

i love every story you tell about your dad.

 i love that i know with all my being 

that he is so proud of you. 

you are a treasure to me and i am grateful that we shared so many good and crazy times together! 

i will love you till my last breath 

but today, i am mad at you for quiting

i find myself these last few weeks being pulled in directions that i dont want to go.
i am working my tail off to prove to "someone" that i can do my job well
but it's never good enough. never.
i just did a 58 page report and was so proud only
to get the call that says "hey, you forgot to fill in this ciricle at the bottom
of page 7. i gotta go im on a conference call.

i honestly dont know why i care what "someone" thinks of my work.
maybe because sometimes, "hey you have been working hard and your work shows it
would be nice to hear."

what i want is to be off at 4pm and go for a bike ride or a long walk
or get out some beads and create, write more in my journal... idk, something that makes
me feel good and not so owned.

i know that its more than the work, its life and sometimes i just need to
move in a different direction so i change the flow....

sometimes, just stometimes
doing and saying the right things are
in two different dimentions.

you know what you want to say
knowing that its positive and helpful
yet when the words come out
they are not what your thoughts
speak
they are what the ears hear...
and those ears are going through their own
stuff so they dont hear what "positivness"
you speak. then its a big ass crumbled messs....

or a perfect place
 to have an open conversation
with love and not boundries.....

thank goodness for these moments.
moments where chaos turns into peace.
i am grateful for my people when our times get rough
and our space becomes soft.

Life truly is mind blowing! 

i love it

i love how it changes

how it changes me

how one minute i am wondering 

what the fuck am i doing here

and the next knowing that i am a big part of something.... 

i dont know what but i know that its true. 

so, for the "lent" i joined a group

with my soul partner, tj where 

we have to write for forty days.

it doesnt matter what you write, 

how long you write 

just that you write. 

i have decided that as much as i love blogging

i want to reach out to those i love and let 

them know what they mean to me.

i decided to do this in the form of a hand~written 

letter, tied with jute.... kinda old fashioned...like writing a letter 

you who read this and know who i am, i cant wait to give you yours. 

i love and appreciate you more than there are gum wads stuck under tables 

i promise 

xoxox

footing

you know that moment when you know that you have totally lost your footing...?
in life?
in relationships?
where you feel like an earthquake hit your heart, your soul, your life
and you are gripping for something
to protect you
to give you shelter
to help your heart stop aching
your soul to be grounded
your life to know that it's on the right track?

have you?

please tell me about it......
honestly, i want to know

confession

its been two days since my last post. 
i have really no excuse. 
i have company here from out of state
i picked up my new work truck friday
celebrated
woke up the next day
played and tended to my sweet grand daughters
on a blanket on the front lawn where the sun
warmed our skin and filled our soul with the longing for spring.
took my old girl Zoe to the water 
so she could play and run and feel young again
went to a family bar b que
a sleep over at the casino where the 
big jetted tub was exactly what these sore muscles needed. 
it was so relaxing and lovely
i wonder if they could just rent me a bath every couple days and not the whole room ? 
today is chore day. and movie night with my little family. 

i have so much i could be writing
but 
for today i have to get my ass in gear so i can enjoy the evening and the sunset :)

gratitude

today my focus is gratitude

i'm so grateful for the ones who make my quiet house noisy with all the stuff that makes our house a home and the amazing closeness that we bring... even if one of ours lives in another state right now. 
for tj who i cant even put a title to as she is too vast and important to me
for my cherished tribe that is there at the drop of a hat. 
for my mom who even though she has stuff of her own going on, is willing to drop that and take me to sac at 6.15am tomorrow morning.
for my job that as crazy as it is, its exactly what i wanted.

for accountability
for trusting the process 
for loving life and not knowing what the future holds 
for music to heal and mend
for excersise having patients with me
for my netas meninas... be still my heart
for frienships that hold my soul together
for you
for me 
for this 
for now
right now

grande gratitude

somedays....

there is this one person that just happened into my life one day...

one perfect unexpected day. 

the sun was shinning and the air wasnt too hot

he delivered huge heavy boxes

of unknown heaviness to my office

he was kind and spoke with a genuineness

he helped me move them into the room 

way in the back where they were to live

and hold important private office stuff.

we somehow started up a conversation on music

(music~the universal language) 

Y and T heart, fleetwood, and for the love of god, the FOO FIGHTERS!

we talked for way too long for the allocation of the delivery time.

he asked to email... i found it kind that he didnt want to 

intrude and ask for my number, that made it comfortable and safe.

we both knew that it was kismet, we were supposed to meet

not sure why 

but we were.

i would say that its been about 2+years that we have 

been in contact. its so weird because we have barely seen each other and sometimes hardly talk but somedays it seems like we have known each other lifetimes. 

i am more than grateful to have been at work during delivery hours

to have the opportunity to get to know this incredible man! 

he has a soul that sees 
and has seen the depths of lifetimes 

his genuineness is inexpressible 
and his heart 
oh his heart... 
you can feel it beat 500 miles away.

so. 

completely.

pure.

looking deeper and trusting

i am in a place where i want to honor my "me~ness"

the who i am

the messy me

the organized me

the mindful of my intentions me

the parts of me that i want to love 

the parts of me that i already do

the parts that are screaming for adventure

not just lets go on a hike or drive to the coast 

but the kind of adventure where you are blown away 

everyday because you took a chance on something that you only dreamed of...
that kind of adventure.

i feel restless yet comfortable~ish... 

i know that sounds crazy but, hear me out

i have received the same message for over a month

and i got it again this morning...

looking deeper

look deeper into situations or relationships

look beyond whats in plain sight

take a second look or a third

look deep within and find the hidden gems

that are just begging you to see their radiance

to see YOUR radiance.

look and listen with your heart and trust what you hear and see. 

dwell in the truth

you are worth it

you are loved 

and YOU are such a bad ass! 

today i should be starting to unleash my thoughts, my emotions, my swirly stuff in my heart and head. today i am giving me a hall pass. the swirlys need a time out and maybe a nap :) If i start now, i may not stop. i cherrish my head and heart enough to give it a day of rest.

ps 

love and friendship are so delicate. be super good to one another. xoxox

40 days

i have missed you... everything about you.

 the safe place where words come to me and you allow me to leave them.

 i have missed being open and free to just be. to open the fuck up and be raw. be me. be authentic

i am grateful for this forty days to commit to whats on my heart &

what my soul needs to bare.

sigh.

day one starts tomorrow.... 

ps

thank you at a snail's pace and stacy de la rosa for THIS. i need to remember to live like someone left the gate open. 

disclaimer.... my spelling and my punctuation might be off but my heart is real and raw and ready to expose herself <3 div="">