pieces

this weekend i am making a long trip to gather up pieces of my life
that for some reason hold value to me.
maybe.
maybe its the trip.
maybe its the putting those pieces back in my life
 to feel whole again and maybe to let go of later....
i dont fucking know.
i do know that i have to do this.
its uncomfortable and something that i was very unprepared for.
in my mind, i thought that once the dust settled and the natives
moved on, we would find our place again.
that disagreements would have time to find a place to settle
and that life would become easier and distractions less
that the passion and excitement would build and cause
us to forge into this new found place of just being US
a place to start fresh and find our place in this crazy awesome world.
that's not the case and it may have been inevitable
well it actually was cause i am making that long trip
to gather up the piece to try to put things back together
and still have that life that i imagined....
this time, i am going big
my imagination is bursting with love
and fun
and adventure
and fights
and makeup sex
and quiet days
and chore days
and more love
this time i am putting a big fucking fence around my open, gentle heart.....
 not to keep anyone out
 just to protect it because it is so precious
i miss the love shine bursting out of it and the bliss that goes along with it

my list for the summer....

bon fires on the beach in carmel
hiking to feather falls... and having a sleep over
going to a dress up dinner in a city i have never been to 
watching the texas rangers play in Arlington
watching the sox play in boston
while in boston going to the amazing outdoor book store 
learning to surf
sleeping at the beach.... any beach that will allow me to have a tent and a camp fire
whale watching~ i have never seen whales...
bike riding through gold country tasting all the boutique wines and lovely food
write... be inspired. 
learn something, maybe ten things new every day!
dressing up and going out... just because
tahoe and the outside shows.... let's start with Journey/Steve Miller
virginia city... just to feel like an outlaw (and maybe experience some history)
calaveras frog jumping
dancing real close
skinning dipping at midnight
candle light picnic outside 
cooperstown
giants a's game 
seattle.... just seattle
something unexpected
sunsets..... ALWAYS 
pictures of everything (that my old D50 can capture) 
burning man
lots of concerts.... a7x and alice cooper. yes please. 
and friends to share all of this with. life is so meh without your people. 

oh today.... i love you

i woke up with my fear still in my throat
but closer to my collar bone than last night.
thank you
thank you spirit for showing me
with many signs that
i am enough.
that my light shines not for me but to shine on others so that they may shine brighter.
thank you mother nature for your sweet soft moist soil to cool my tired hot feet.
thank you kind lady on the phone from Verizon who i wanted to HUG so BIG at
the end of our conversation and resolution of my ridiculous problem.... you are a rock star!

today, i love you.
i love you for how you unfolded unlike i expected.
how you showed me love in unexpected places
how you burst out unexplainable amazing fucking love in ways that just baffle me

thank you

i love you... may 22,2014 more than i thought possible yesterday.
you, with all your unexpected people and love and time spent sharing how life is really so amazing..... you are a bad ass.

i love you today
because you are time and a healer and a lover

love letter

this is my love letter to you

i love you  because of all that you taught me about me
 and about my strength and how you believe in me

about how i learned how brightly i shine
and how certain clouds can dim my shimmer

you have clearly taught me about my weaknesses
 and how they make me stronger

i love you because you are real

 and genuine 

and a fucking amazing

 and good man.
i love how smart you are
and how you set goals and achieve them

i love your heart

 even when you dont show it, i can still see it
i love how you look at me
 how you say that i am beautiful
and i know that you mean it
i love your tenderness
and how gentle you touch me
i love your playfulness
and seeing the spark in your eyes when you smile
i love early mornings with you and ending the day with wine and dinner
i love Love LOVE to cook with you
i love listening to your dreams of what we will do when we grow up.
i love that you know my love list..... no one else does

i love your smile

 and how you giggle in your sleep 

and how you wake up singing

i love your precious heart

 and how much you love kids

i love how you love your family

how you love O and C and R and H and S and N

how you have loved your son for so long

 and have been so patient with the time it took 

to develop the relationship that you have today

 i love that it grows stronger with every passing moment

i love every story you tell about your dad.

 i love that i know with all my being 

that he is so proud of you. 

you are a treasure to me and i am grateful that we shared so many good and crazy times together! 

i will love you till my last breath 

but today, i am mad at you for quiting