i find myself these last few weeks being pulled in directions that i dont want to go.
i am working my tail off to prove to "someone" that i can do my job well
but it's never good enough. never.
i just did a 58 page report and was so proud only
to get the call that says "hey, you forgot to fill in this ciricle at the bottom
of page 7. i gotta go im on a conference call.

i honestly dont know why i care what "someone" thinks of my work.
maybe because sometimes, "hey you have been working hard and your work shows it
would be nice to hear."

what i want is to be off at 4pm and go for a bike ride or a long walk
or get out some beads and create, write more in my journal... idk, something that makes
me feel good and not so owned.

i know that its more than the work, its life and sometimes i just need to
move in a different direction so i change the flow....

sometimes, just stometimes
doing and saying the right things are
in two different dimentions.

you know what you want to say
knowing that its positive and helpful
yet when the words come out
they are not what your thoughts
speak
they are what the ears hear...
and those ears are going through their own
stuff so they dont hear what "positivness"
you speak. then its a big ass crumbled messs....

or a perfect place
 to have an open conversation
with love and not boundries.....

thank goodness for these moments.
moments where chaos turns into peace.
i am grateful for my people when our times get rough
and our space becomes soft.

Life truly is mind blowing! 

i love it

i love how it changes

how it changes me

how one minute i am wondering 

what the fuck am i doing here

and the next knowing that i am a big part of something.... 

i dont know what but i know that its true. 

so, for the "lent" i joined a group

with my soul partner, tj where 

we have to write for forty days.

it doesnt matter what you write, 

how long you write 

just that you write. 

i have decided that as much as i love blogging

i want to reach out to those i love and let 

them know what they mean to me.

i decided to do this in the form of a hand~written 

letter, tied with jute.... kinda old fashioned...like writing a letter 

you who read this and know who i am, i cant wait to give you yours. 

i love and appreciate you more than there are gum wads stuck under tables 

i promise 

xoxox

footing

you know that moment when you know that you have totally lost your footing...?
in life?
in relationships?
where you feel like an earthquake hit your heart, your soul, your life
and you are gripping for something
to protect you
to give you shelter
to help your heart stop aching
your soul to be grounded
your life to know that it's on the right track?

have you?

please tell me about it......
honestly, i want to know

confession

its been two days since my last post. 
i have really no excuse. 
i have company here from out of state
i picked up my new work truck friday
celebrated
woke up the next day
played and tended to my sweet grand daughters
on a blanket on the front lawn where the sun
warmed our skin and filled our soul with the longing for spring.
took my old girl Zoe to the water 
so she could play and run and feel young again
went to a family bar b que
a sleep over at the casino where the 
big jetted tub was exactly what these sore muscles needed. 
it was so relaxing and lovely
i wonder if they could just rent me a bath every couple days and not the whole room ? 
today is chore day. and movie night with my little family. 

i have so much i could be writing
but 
for today i have to get my ass in gear so i can enjoy the evening and the sunset :)

gratitude

today my focus is gratitude

i'm so grateful for the ones who make my quiet house noisy with all the stuff that makes our house a home and the amazing closeness that we bring... even if one of ours lives in another state right now. 
for tj who i cant even put a title to as she is too vast and important to me
for my cherished tribe that is there at the drop of a hat. 
for my mom who even though she has stuff of her own going on, is willing to drop that and take me to sac at 6.15am tomorrow morning.
for my job that as crazy as it is, its exactly what i wanted.

for accountability
for trusting the process 
for loving life and not knowing what the future holds 
for music to heal and mend
for excersise having patients with me
for my netas meninas... be still my heart
for frienships that hold my soul together
for you
for me 
for this 
for now
right now

grande gratitude

somedays....

there is this one person that just happened into my life one day...

one perfect unexpected day. 

the sun was shinning and the air wasnt too hot

he delivered huge heavy boxes

of unknown heaviness to my office

he was kind and spoke with a genuineness

he helped me move them into the room 

way in the back where they were to live

and hold important private office stuff.

we somehow started up a conversation on music

(music~the universal language) 

Y and T heart, fleetwood, and for the love of god, the FOO FIGHTERS!

we talked for way too long for the allocation of the delivery time.

he asked to email... i found it kind that he didnt want to 

intrude and ask for my number, that made it comfortable and safe.

we both knew that it was kismet, we were supposed to meet

not sure why 

but we were.

i would say that its been about 2+years that we have 

been in contact. its so weird because we have barely seen each other and sometimes hardly talk but somedays it seems like we have known each other lifetimes. 

i am more than grateful to have been at work during delivery hours

to have the opportunity to get to know this incredible man! 

he has a soul that sees 
and has seen the depths of lifetimes 

his genuineness is inexpressible 
and his heart 
oh his heart... 
you can feel it beat 500 miles away.

so. 

completely.

pure.