2014

last year at this very moment, 8:25am
i was getting off a plane that brought me to you.
i was surprised with almost everything from the very first time
that plane brought me to you three years before

being met with flowers
the biggest hug
and most passionate kiss

holding hands till we got to the truck
with the anticipation of the day
not knowing what you had planned
for the 36 short hours that we had
carved out for us

like the gentleman that you are
you opened my door to get me in out of the cold.
you opened your door only to reach in the back
and grab two sippy champagne glasses
along with my favorite oj and champagne

our cups were full
we cheered to us
smiled and hit the road.

as we chatted i noticed we were going
somewhere different.
somewhere familiar.
deep inside i wanted to ask
but trusted and let your plan unravel your way

we made the same exact route as three years before.
coffee in cali, flowers in oregon and flipped a bitch in washington
my heart smiled

we took the 205 over the columbia
you the took 84 east exit
things are starting to look familiar

as we drive to your planned place
we are so happy and cozy
knowing that even though
our time is short
it's going to be amazing.

as youre driving and were sharing
the wonderful fruit tray to nourish
our morning bellies
i notice youre taking me to the same
exact beautiful places you
showed me the very first time

the falls were gorgeous and full
i can never tire of the magnificent
beauty of those falls
the beauty of the road that took us there
the lovliness of the same route and
how patient you are with me needing to
stop snap photos of all lushness of this place
so that i would never forget

as we head back to town
we stop at one of our go to
spots to grab a bite to eat.

you share with me of the plans that
you've made for us to ring in the new year
you have everything covered.
all i have to do is enjoy you and this time
we carved out of our busy lives

my heart is full of love and how much
time you put into this. this amazing time.

it's still early but the food and drink make us
want to go home and snuggle in tight and nap...
it feels so good to be "home"
and cozy
under the covers with you.
we play
we giggle
we tenderly touch
we wear ourselves out
we nap.
we wake up.

t-minus 26 hours till lift off

showered, dressed up and ready to go...
it's 6:45
dinner reservations at 10
we go to our favorite watering hole
say hello to our favorite bartender
have a couple of her famous drinks
try our luck at video poker
take pictures with the champagne "glasses" you bought
laugh and make silly faces and laugh some more.

our seats for dinner were fantastic
we had the perfect view
the coolest server
delicious gourmet food
and the biggest jackass
at the table behind us.
good times.

we return to the clubhouse to countdown to
the promise of so many plans for 2014
it was pure magic.
you planned out and accomplished
the best sleep over we've had in a long time...

day after day....

waking up slow
enjoying the morning with you
packing my bag
with the room being a little dusty
knowing that i was leaving in a few hours
and not knowing when we would lay eyes
on each other again.
my heart was aching leaving you...

at the airport an "i dont want to let go" hug
honking cars
a short kiss and a 'see you soon'

thank you for creating the best new year yet

from that moment forward
i have learned so much about
love and life and knowing myself
more and more each day
about healing from the inside out
about letting go of the painful parts
and haging on to the beauty of the moment


wishing you a wonderful 2015




'

not as before

you flirted with sweet words.
wooing me towards you
though we were so far away.
i had a vision of who you were
with words and actions
though we were so far away.

i believed in you
and
your dreams.
you wanted me to share your dream
and making others believe this dream this too.
i couldnt do it.
it felt pushy and dirty
and like a lie.

i still believed in you.

you pulled me in just enough
to keep me close
you showed me what love was
and what love wasnt.
you showed me how important family is to you.
you gave me some very good memories.
you taught me resentment and defensiveness.
you showed me that "love" is disposable
and that it has a shut off switch.
i dont see it that way.

i see you now
and
youre good
youre just not who i saw before

let's go

this morning my note from the universe said 

Try pretending that all you now believe to be real, is not, Tawnja. And that all you wish to be real, is. If only for a few minutes each day. Then, try acting like all you wish to be real already is real. With just a word here, a sentence there, or some little demonstration. If only in private. Before long, you won't even remember if what you used to believe was real or just a dream. I'm pretending you already do this stuff whenever you want change,     The Universe right now i wish that my car is full of gas my bank card is super full of cash me and my road warrior and adventure sister had more time off than we knew what to do with and could hit the open road. i see seattle boston new york texas as my top four right now. and landing where ever our free spirits felt we needed to be. ahhh to visualize and feel the magic of this moment is priceless.

oh monday...

there are so many errands i need to run
phone calls i need to make 
and chores i need to start or complete
today im just not feeling it

what i would prefer to be doing 
is sitting by the water journaling

so much has been going on lately 
externally and internally 
so much so that i really just want to 
scream, shout,laugh, cry and, 
love through my pen to the pages.  

however, the voice in my head keeps screaming
how can you have any pudding if you dont eat your meat?!!!! 

okay
okay spirit, 
i get it! 

off to make those calls,
run those errands 
maybe finish a few chores
as my patient journal awaits for what my soul craves to release

gratitude

in the waking hours
theres a gentle breeze playing with my curtains
and the daylight dances in and out beconning me to come dance along with her
come out here with me
 if even for a lilttle while
come play with me
and enjoy me
let me embrace you
let me warm your body
and soothe your soul
let me give you what you need this morning
before things get too hectic and you forget
to enjoy the warmth of my love

with gratitude in my heart
i do....
♥

life... living it

yesterday was kind of an up and down day
part focused
part giggles
part tears 

it was filled with feelings
intense feelings
some i embraced 
some i resisted
even in the resistance, i felt them
it was just more painful 

i spent some time with my soul sister 
who grounded me with wisdom
and encouraged me to feel ALL of it 

these are just feelings 
they shape us by how we 
respond to them
they also remind us that we are alive 

our minds are so powerful 
we have the ability to change the 
way we think about things
we can either make it sucky 
or look for the silver lining

this morning in my meditation
i found the silver lining in 
so much of the grief that i have 
caused myself

(30 second dance party)

today is the day :) 
my intentions are set 
life is beautiful 
live the heck out of it! 

i want that relationship so full of love 
that we stick it out
and 
find what makes it work
and
find understanding 
and 
the stuff that lasts forever