confession

its been two days since my last post. 
i have really no excuse. 
i have company here from out of state
i picked up my new work truck friday
celebrated
woke up the next day
played and tended to my sweet grand daughters
on a blanket on the front lawn where the sun
warmed our skin and filled our soul with the longing for spring.
took my old girl Zoe to the water 
so she could play and run and feel young again
went to a family bar b que
a sleep over at the casino where the 
big jetted tub was exactly what these sore muscles needed. 
it was so relaxing and lovely
i wonder if they could just rent me a bath every couple days and not the whole room ? 
today is chore day. and movie night with my little family. 

i have so much i could be writing
but 
for today i have to get my ass in gear so i can enjoy the evening and the sunset :)

gratitude

today my focus is gratitude

i'm so grateful for the ones who make my quiet house noisy with all the stuff that makes our house a home and the amazing closeness that we bring... even if one of ours lives in another state right now. 
for tj who i cant even put a title to as she is too vast and important to me
for my cherished tribe that is there at the drop of a hat. 
for my mom who even though she has stuff of her own going on, is willing to drop that and take me to sac at 6.15am tomorrow morning.
for my job that as crazy as it is, its exactly what i wanted.

for accountability
for trusting the process 
for loving life and not knowing what the future holds 
for music to heal and mend
for excersise having patients with me
for my netas meninas... be still my heart
for frienships that hold my soul together
for you
for me 
for this 
for now
right now

grande gratitude

somedays....

there is this one person that just happened into my life one day...

one perfect unexpected day. 

the sun was shinning and the air wasnt too hot

he delivered huge heavy boxes

of unknown heaviness to my office

he was kind and spoke with a genuineness

he helped me move them into the room 

way in the back where they were to live

and hold important private office stuff.

we somehow started up a conversation on music

(music~the universal language) 

Y and T heart, fleetwood, and for the love of god, the FOO FIGHTERS!

we talked for way too long for the allocation of the delivery time.

he asked to email... i found it kind that he didnt want to 

intrude and ask for my number, that made it comfortable and safe.

we both knew that it was kismet, we were supposed to meet

not sure why 

but we were.

i would say that its been about 2+years that we have 

been in contact. its so weird because we have barely seen each other and sometimes hardly talk but somedays it seems like we have known each other lifetimes. 

i am more than grateful to have been at work during delivery hours

to have the opportunity to get to know this incredible man! 

he has a soul that sees 
and has seen the depths of lifetimes 

his genuineness is inexpressible 
and his heart 
oh his heart... 
you can feel it beat 500 miles away.

so. 

completely.

pure.

looking deeper and trusting

i am in a place where i want to honor my "me~ness"

the who i am

the messy me

the organized me

the mindful of my intentions me

the parts of me that i want to love 

the parts of me that i already do

the parts that are screaming for adventure

not just lets go on a hike or drive to the coast 

but the kind of adventure where you are blown away 

everyday because you took a chance on something that you only dreamed of...
that kind of adventure.

i feel restless yet comfortable~ish... 

i know that sounds crazy but, hear me out

i have received the same message for over a month

and i got it again this morning...

looking deeper

look deeper into situations or relationships

look beyond whats in plain sight

take a second look or a third

look deep within and find the hidden gems

that are just begging you to see their radiance

to see YOUR radiance.

look and listen with your heart and trust what you hear and see. 

dwell in the truth

you are worth it

you are loved 

and YOU are such a bad ass! 

today i should be starting to unleash my thoughts, my emotions, my swirly stuff in my heart and head. today i am giving me a hall pass. the swirlys need a time out and maybe a nap :) If i start now, i may not stop. i cherrish my head and heart enough to give it a day of rest.

ps 

love and friendship are so delicate. be super good to one another. xoxox

40 days

i have missed you... everything about you.

 the safe place where words come to me and you allow me to leave them.

 i have missed being open and free to just be. to open the fuck up and be raw. be me. be authentic

i am grateful for this forty days to commit to whats on my heart &

what my soul needs to bare.

sigh.

day one starts tomorrow.... 

ps

thank you at a snail's pace and stacy de la rosa for THIS. i need to remember to live like someone left the gate open. 

disclaimer.... my spelling and my punctuation might be off but my heart is real and raw and ready to expose herself <3 div="">

today i spent time listening to my breath
quieting my mind
and looking inward

what i found was peace
peace that i thought was long gone
kicked to the curb by noisy self criticism
that i had let be my internal voice

for the past month or so i have been struggling with who i am, what my life should be/look/feel like, what is love, is love real and am i good enough.
the pain and chaos was all self induced and the gross part is that i believed that i had zero value and that the internal voice was truth

taking the time to make my mind shut the fuck up and listen to my breath and my soul was excatly what i needed all along.
and you know what i know ...
love is real
life is messy
i am worth it
pain is essential for change
and
sometimes things get confussing and scary
but its not just me
it happens to us all
we all need to take some time, make some space
 and give care to our inner, most sacred parts so that our gorgeous spirit can shine bright
and
so that all of our dreams and desires have a place to show up and blow up bigger than we imagined