bucket

last night you came to me in a dream.
you asked me if i was still in love with you.
my heart exploded and i cried.
i am and always will be.

it wasn't like you happened into my thoughts
you were intentionally there.

you were very present
you kissed me.

no matter where i went in my dream,
each phase of my dreaming
you were there.

i could feel you in my soul

you always said you would meet me in my dreams
on our moonbeam....

you were right

thank you

23 x 2

my sweet joey,

it's hard to fathom
that the years have doubled
since the world
as i knew it
stopped
and my heart shattered
hearing the words
"he didn't make it".

i didn't want this to be real.
i begged god
to please bring you back to us
it was too soon
we had so many things to do
you had so much more life to live
what about our family?
how do i do this without you?
i could hear you say
you have to do this
for our family
for you
for me.

my head was spinning
my heart was aching so bad
i could feel it in my soul.
and that aching
that pain
is just as real today
as it was 23 years ago.

joey, this day broke me wide open.
i didnt know what strength was
until it was my only option.

losing you
 taught me so much...
about love
and courage
and how to keep our family together
even when i was falling apart.
it taught me
to make the most of every day
to be a better person
to love fiercely
with reckless abandon
and to never withhold good from anyone
to see others with the eyes of love.
from the ashes came so much beauty.

recently i read a quote that said
you never realize the value of a moment
until it becomes a memory.
our last goodbye kiss
and i love you as you got in our truck
to leave... i can still see your smile,
hear your voice
and feel the love we shared.

i miss you so much, woe joe.
this year is just as painful as the first.
my face is a wet, salty mess.
i don't know what is worse,
the shock of losing you
or the ache
of not having more days with you.

this grief thing doesn't change...
it still hurts like hell.

i will always mourn the loss
of you in our lives
and also, celebrate the days shared with you.


thinking of you
and loving you always
and holding you close in my heart.

never goodbye
but
see you later...

xoxxo

i see

i see carefree living

where laughter comes easy 

and midnight pillow talks are the norm

where unplanned picnics and hikes to hidden places 

and "let's go somewhere that we've never been"

is natural. 

i see smiling faces

big hugs and tenderness 

when things get tough
comfort is right beside you/me. 

i see love overflowing
where judgement does not exist
where kindness and laughter
spill out everywhere
all day long

i see soul growth
looking inside
putting paper to pen
to make it all real
to get it out
to re read again
and see how far we've come.

i see cooking together
and drinking it all in
the love
the smells
the wine
the moment
the magic

i see memories being made
ones that last lifetimes
ones that our kids tell
their kids

i see making it through
the rough times
knowing that it is safe
and that one day we will laugh about it

i see this life
so worth living
and doing
and being
in this moment
without worry.

this is your life
live wildly!  

the leap

taking a step into the unknown can make you
both vulnerable and unsure. 
it's scary when you can't see where 
your next footstep will fall. 

the beautiful thing is that you
are taking the leap. 
that you are trusting the process 
and staying on the path to reach 
your goals. 

your journey is just beginning... 
you have so much living 
and learning ahead of you.
and even more so, 
you are gifted the time 
to make it happen. 

i want you to know that i believe in you. 
i believe that you will take this 
opportunity to do the things you never 
thought you could. 
to be the YOU 
that has always taken a back seat 
to what others thought you should 
be doing and not what your heart desired. 

now is the time 
and it's all you. 
take it
embrace it
and rock this world. 

all the passion
the desire
the willingness 
and the want
reside inside your beautiful soul. 
go for it! you've got this! 

always know... 
that if you change your mind 
and want something different;
it does not mean that you failed. 
it means you have a higher vision 
and want something more. 
you will know what you want 
by how it feels in your heart.

in your corner, 

~me.  

thinking out loud

after so many breaks of my heart

i forgot the beauty in feeling 

how the beat of a song 

and the lyrics unfolding 

taking me to a place 

i thought was long forgotten

you whispered to the embers 

in this heart of mine

with tenderness and truth

without regards to anything 

but the here and now

setting the flame ablaze

your tender whispers and words of love 

have dismantled the fortress 

i have built 

brick 

by 

brick

patience and continuous love 

that has proven unquenchable 

brings me back to the core 

of that

beautiful 

raw

knowing

feeling 

that comes straight from your belly. 

letting me know that 

true unashamed love exists

today

in the here and now. 

you...

you...
with your soft and contagious smile
with a splash of mischief and innocence
you
with your spirit aglow and your heart on your sleeve
and your head held high and your confidence beaming
you
that passes the mirror and doesnt pay it no mind
that knows it's not who you are just your reflection
you
who loves with her whole being
and seeks out the hidden things that make others special
you
who embraces your so called flaws as miraculous beauty
that shows others how lovely their uniqueness is
you
who shines bright on the darkest of days
and embraces her shadows with love and light
you
over there
i.see.you.

wild moon

for this chilly night

with blankets pilled high

and 

the choir of crickets 

singing their songs

my eyelids trying to stay open

to get one last glimpse 

of this beautiful moon

my soul and mind at peace 

ready for sweet slumber

as i drink in one last drop 

of your wildly brilliant light